I Meant to Order my Salad Without Tomato

You are not going to like this.  This is one of the things I’m truly an asshole about.

If you order a salad from me and you are already a picky asshole or just an asshole to me in general and you don’t think to ask me what comes on our dinner salads, you might just be shit out of luck.

I have eaten at a lot of restaurants and I’ve never encountered one where the salad was simply lettuce drowned in the dressing of my choice.

If you ask me for a dinner salad, I will gladly make and bring you one however you ask me to (to the best of my ability).

If you intended to have your dressing on the side… but forgot to say that, or if there are specific ingredients you intended to omit… but forgot to tell me.  Well, I just hope you didn’t catch me on one of those nights.

If your idea of a salad is iceberg lettuce drowned in ranch dressing and nothing else and you expect me to pick through the lettuce mix for you and make this happen… You might be fucked.

If you don’t like cucumbers and you didn’t tell me, you might have to touch them.

For anything else you don’t like but didn’t specify, see above.

If you have made me very angry on a very irritating shift where nothing is going right and it seems to be mostly your fault, I will respond in a cheerful manner that you will have difficulty finding fault with.  This will hopefully irritate you as much as you have irritated me.

YOU:        I meant to order my salad without (insert ingredient).

ME:           Oh, that’s never a problem here.  You can order your salad however you like. Just let us know ahead of time and we’ll prepare it exactly as you prefer!

And then I walk away, leaving you with IT.  Sorry about your communication skills and your assholishness (a word I invented for you).