DON’T POINT YOUR GODAMN FINGER AT ME!

You know, this kind of shit happens all the time with the right (wrong) type of individual. I really, really don’t appreciate it when I’m almost done with a very long shift with my shiftless GM. And yet…

When I have all of my side work done and all I have to do is take care of a few late afternoon tables and wait for my relief to come in, it should be easy. And yet…

Someone always has to fuck it up, don’t they?

There is a certain breed of individual out there. Maybe they have been burned by other servers. Maybe the scars are still healing. Maybe it’s permanent. Like permanent brain damage, an affliction they will never be free of.

Last table of the day. They look normal. Good hygiene, average clothing, middle-aged. It should be fine. It begins so normally.

They want a Coke and an iced tea with no lemon. I thought the gentleman emphasized the NO lemon a little more than necessary, but I forgive him. We don’t know each other yet. He has no idea if I understand simple instructions. I know I’m getting a little tired, kinda winding down towards the end of my shift. Maybe I need to work on looking like I’m really paying attention, even though this is a simple request. Maybe he has some kind of citrus allergy and he just wants me to know it’s important.

I bring their beverages and ask if they are ready to place their order.

The lady begins, but she is so hesitant to ask for what she wants, I have trouble at first understanding what she is so worried about. It turns out she wants to substitute crispy chicken instead of grilled chicken on a sandwich. “Um, well, I was just wondering…if I could ask you…would it be alright…could I have…”

It takes so long to get it out; I’m completely relieved to tell her yes.

I turn to the gentleman, naturally assuming his order will be easy. It’s the law of averages and it works for me all the time. If one half of the couple is timid and has a difficult time ordering, the other half is authoritative and succinct, which is basically easy for me. Tell me what you want, I will bring it to you exactly as you require.

And that is how he started out – right before he took it to crazy town (CT).

CT: I’ll have the Patty Melt, well done, with fries.

Me: You got it! Patty Melt, well done, with fries. I’ll get that started for you!

CT: Hold on.

Me: (half turned to leave) Yes?

CT: I want that Patty Melt WELL DONE!

Me: Ok, no problem! Well done on the Patty Melt! (turning to leave again)

CT: NO!
I MEAN IT!
I WANT MY PATTY MELT WELL DONE!
NOT PINK!
NOT MEDIUM!
WELL DONE!
I WANT MY PATTY MELT WELL DONE!
I WANT IT COOKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH!
NO PINK!!!

He’s red-faced, pointing his finger at me, shaking it in my face as though I’m a naughty puppy that shit on the floor.

Me: Yes, sir. I know what well done means. I’ll take care of it. (I’m trying to keep my reply short and simple and I’m hoping to Christ he’ll calm the fuck down.)

It works.

CT: Ok, well, alright but, the last two places I ordered well done at, it came out medium.

Me: I’ll make sure the cook knows. It’ll be fine, I promise.

And it was.

I told my favorite Mexican the “well done guy” was crazy. I shook my finger at him and re-enacted the whole bullshit drama with him. He pretended to come after me to kill me with a kitchen knife. “No!” I cried, “At least kill him FIRST!” We laughed our asses off and I hope Crazy Town heard us making fun of him.

Mister, are you fucking crazy?

I don’t know how you treat the women in your personal life, but we don’t know each other. I’m not your wife, or your mother, or most of all, you daughter. In fact, you don’t know me at all.

I could be anyone.

Remember that.

Over-Nurturing in Public

I have said before that I don’t appreciate it when you tell me you’re ready and you actually are not.

Here’s another thing I really don’t appreciate:

It seems the dynamic between older couples is a little different from what I’m comfortable with. The women want to treat their dinner experience as if they are preparing the meal themselves, at home. They want to make sure their husband (H) gets exactly what he wants and they want to be very involved with this decision, to the point where the wives (W) begin to interfere with me doing my job. It goes a little something like this…

Me: Are you ready to order?

H: I’ll have the roast beef dinner.

W: Are you sure you want the roast beef? You had that last time.
They have turkey...

H: Yes, I want the roast beef.

Me: Ok, great! You get to choose two dinner sides from this list.

H: I’ll have the rice and the green beans.

W: The rice? Are you sure? They have baked potatoes.

H: Yes, I’ll have the rice.

Me: Ok, got it! Roast beef with rice and green beans.

W: The green beans? You had green beans yesterday.
Do you want carrots? You like carrots...

H: I want the green beans.

W: Do you want a salad instead? You like the salad here.

H: I’ll have the roast beef with rice and green beans.

Me: And what would YOU like, Ma’am?

W: Are you sure you don’t want the mashed potatoes?
You like the gravy here…



Please don’t argue with your husband about his dinner choices. Believe me, if he loved you before you sat down, he will love you after he is allowed to choose his own food. You are driving me crazy and you know who you are.

Do You Have a Red Straw?

All of the chains like the one I work at are family-friendly.  We all have high chairs, booster seats, kid menus, kid cups… and in our case, different colored straws for the kids to fight over.  I’ve seen kids actually hit each other to get the blue straw.  Sometimes they lunge at me to get the handful of straws so they can choose their own color.  Sometimes they scream at each other (You know red is MY favorite color, not yours!).  Sometimes they cry when they have to drink out of the wrong color. 

Sometimes their parents leave the table to come request a different colored straw for them.

I personally don’t think this kind of indulgent bullshit makes it any easier to eat out with your children.  I’m actually used to it now, so when parents leave the table to come talk to me while I’m trying to enter their order, I assume it’s about changing straw colors.  So when I saw this strange one approaching, I automatically checked my pocket to ensure my assortment was there.

Her:     Do you have any other straws?  (She’s holding a yellow straw)

Me:      Yes.  Do you need a different color?

Her:     Well… Do you have any red straws?

Me:      Yes I do.  Here you go! (I hand her a red straw)

Her:     Well…  I’m actually looking for a straw exactly like this one (she holds up the red straw to show me), except its smaller and thinner and slanted on the end and bendy.  (She makes intense eye contact to make sure I understand her description and that I am taking her request seriously).

Me:      That sounds like a juice box straw.

Her:     Sort of.  Do you have any straws like that?

Me:      As far as I know, those only come on juice boxes.

Her:     Well, usually.  I just thought you might have some…

Me:      I’m sorry; we don’t have juice boxes or juice box straws.

Her:     (Dejected) Um… ok then. 

She heads back to her table of screaming heathens with her shoulders slumped.

  I turn to the server next to me and say, “Do you have any of those bionic straws that drink the beverage for you?  Or could you maybe clock out on break and go to the grocery store to buy me a juice box?  Or maybe you could just steal the straw off one and bring it to me?”

Other Server:   Maybe you could just offer to BREAST FEED her son and save yourself a trip.

Me:      WOULD I STILL HAVE TO CLOCK OUT ON BREAK?

We're Going to Share That

One of my favorite couples was in tonight.  And when I say “favorite,” I mean they really are not.  These people are seriously crazy.  I started waiting on them about six months ago and I remember everything about them.

With many of my regulars, this is a compliment.  They are pleasant to be around, specific about what they would like, I reciprocate accordingly, and they leave me tips in the 30% range because I remember the details.  It works well for all of us.

These are not they type of regular I am referring to.  These people are seriously strange and I remember them for being strange.  They are an older couple and the first time I waited on them, they brought in two teenagers who were obviously their grandsons.  They made them order water and then split 2 breakfasts between the four of them. 

I’m not saying its bad to be frugal, but its embarrassing in a public dining situation when its obviously the main thing you care about.  I have never seen those kids with them again and I understand their viewpoint.  Why offer to take your grandkids out to eat and then put them through that?

Well, of course there is more to it.

They always share.  Sometimes it takes them 15 minutes to agree on what single item they will share.  They question me about these menu items extensively and seriously.  I answer in the exact same spirit, when I have time.  I understand it is their money to spend how they choose and with the restaurant they choose.  We do not charge for splitting plates but I always have the cook split and plate their entrée right down the middle so they will enjoy their meal without having to spoon half of their food onto the extra plate we provide free of charge.

They have questions about coupons. 

1. Can they use a coupon and still get a senior discount?  (No, this is considered two discounts and you can only use one). 
2. Can they use an expired coupon? (No, we do not accept expired coupons.)
3. Can they use a coupon on a special we are running? (No, this is already a discounted item).

In the end, if they have coupons, they choose to use them even if another discount would be more advantageous.  Every time, no matter how I explain it to them.  So I don’t explain price differences to them anymore, I simply tell them if their coupon applies or not accordingly.  When it comes to coupons, they are not strange for using them, but for being obsessive about using them.

And again, of course there is still more to the story.

They always order water.  Lots of people just ask for water.  That’s OK.  Plenty of people just drink water when they eat out.  I do it too and I don’t really have a problem with it.  They want their water in a large glass with a slice of lemon and no ice, no straw.  OK, but aren’t we getting pretty specific for a free beverage I can’t even put on your bill?  It’s difficult to convey, but the way they say it when they order, I feel like I might mess up something right from the get-go.  And we’re still on water.

When they finally come to a consensus about the entrée they will be sharing, the gentleman always gives me a meaningful look and says, “We need extra napkins.”  Again, its difficult to convey, but he says it accusingly, as if I have already neglected him in some way.

Here’s the super-weird thing.  If a guest has good table manners, they often place the napkin in their lap or on their knee.  If they know they’ve ordered something messy or know they are usually messy, they might ask for another.

This couple spreads their first napkin (the one their flatware is rolled in) out on the table where their plate will go.  Like a placemat, only it unfolds into a giant square shape instead of the traditional rectangular placemat most of us are used to seeing.  They sit across from one another and their giant, paper-thin napkin-placemats overlap.  I can think of no reason to do this. 

As far as I can tell, and believe me I have thought about this, the placemat napkin serves no purpose other than to set their plate on while they eat and use the extra napkins I’ve brought to wipe their fingers/faces on.  I’m not kidding.  They seem to want extraneous napkins to rest the plates on.  And before you say it, they are not resting their flatware on this extra placemat napkin to prevent it from touching the table… I’ve checked.  And by the way, if you are so worried about the germs in the establishment where you are eating that you cannot allow the flatware to touch the table, you might be in the wrong place.

But again, that’s not what this couple is doing.  They seem to not want their plates to touch the table… I have met plenty of obsessive-compulsives, but a couple completely in-synch about this kind of weird shit…. Only one.

I Meant to Order my Salad Without Tomato

You are not going to like this.  This is one of the things I’m truly an asshole about.

If you order a salad from me and you are already a picky asshole or just an asshole to me in general and you don’t think to ask me what comes on our dinner salads, you might just be shit out of luck.

I have eaten at a lot of restaurants and I’ve never encountered one where the salad was simply lettuce drowned in the dressing of my choice.

If you ask me for a dinner salad, I will gladly make and bring you one however you ask me to (to the best of my ability).

If you intended to have your dressing on the side… but forgot to say that, or if there are specific ingredients you intended to omit… but forgot to tell me.  Well, I just hope you didn’t catch me on one of those nights.

If your idea of a salad is iceberg lettuce drowned in ranch dressing and nothing else and you expect me to pick through the lettuce mix for you and make this happen… You might be fucked.

If you don’t like cucumbers and you didn’t tell me, you might have to touch them.

For anything else you don’t like but didn’t specify, see above.

If you have made me very angry on a very irritating shift where nothing is going right and it seems to be mostly your fault, I will respond in a cheerful manner that you will have difficulty finding fault with.  This will hopefully irritate you as much as you have irritated me.

YOU:        I meant to order my salad without (insert ingredient).

ME:           Oh, that’s never a problem here.  You can order your salad however you like. Just let us know ahead of time and we’ll prepare it exactly as you prefer!

And then I walk away, leaving you with IT.  Sorry about your communication skills and your assholishness (a word I invented for you).

Did You Really Think it was Just a Glass of Water?

Did you really think it was just a glass of water?

They check percentages at my restaurant to see how many beverages I’m actually selling.  We don’t have a bar, so I say a lot of things like…Would you like some fresh coffee?  Fresh-brewed iced tea? A cold Coke?  Lemonade?  It doesn’t always work and I really don’t think it’s my fault.  Some people come in with the intention of saving money on beverages, and I can’t control that.  You would not believe how specific water can be…

1. I’ll have a very small glass of water with no ice.
2. I’ll have a large glass of water with no ice.
3. I’ll have an iced tea with no lemon and a large glass of ice water with four slices of lemon.
4. I’ll have ice water with as many lemons as you’re allowed to bring me.
1. Can you bring more sugar packets for the lemonade… errr…water?  
5. I’ll have a small glass of water with only a few ice cubes.
6. I’ll have a pot of hot water with lemon.
1. Because I have my own tea bag
2. Because I have Folgers singles and I don’t want to pay for coffee
7. I’ll have ice water with lots of ice and an extra glass of ice.
1. I’ll ad my own Crystal Lite
8. I’ll have room-temperature water.
9. I’ll have tap water mixed with hot water 50-50.
10. I’ll have an ice water with lots of fruit in it.  Do you have any strawberries?

By the way, my restaurant’s policy is to serve water in the smallest glass we have with no lemon and no straw unless requested by the guest.  If management sees us serving up tall icy lemon waters with fancy straws, they sometimes question us like criminals.  I can’t believe they haven’t added some type of up-charge for fruit because of the amount of lemons we go through. 

I think the idea is that you’ll see all the delectable glasses of soda and iced tea at other tables and change your mind about your crappy small glass of water.  What actually usually happens is the server makes another trip to the table with a taller glass of water, lemon, and the expensive straw. Same price, same tip, extra time at a table with guests who are trying to save a little money on beverages.

I guess the moral of the story for me is, if you just want water, drink water.  Why are you being so specific about a free beverage?  Or if you want to be that specific, can you at least tip as if you’ve ordered a dry martini?